Tagged: self love

90-Day Self Love Challenge Part 3 of 4– Managing the Ego

I’m a regular guest on The Lillian McDermott Radio Show which airs every 2nd and 4th Tuesday, 9am EDT at www.whenyouneedafriend.com.  During last September’s show, we were discussing depression and anxiety and I mentioned quite often, the root cause of depression and anxiety is a lack of selflove.  Lillian was very interested in how we can work to love ourselves more fully. Together we embarked on developing the 90-Day Self Love Challenge.  This blog covers the 61-75 days of that challenge.

“I am my own worst enemy.”  Are you at all surprised by how profoundly true that statement is?  Author Eckhardt Tolle wrote in The Power of Now all problems exist in the mind.  It makes sense if you think that if its true happiness comes from “out there,” then it must be true all problems come from “out there” as well.

When we live our lives believing our happiness and sorrows exist outside of ourselves, beyond our control, it leaves us in the unfortunate position of feeling victimized, without power and control.  Being put in such a very scary position leaves us no other alternative than to defend ourselves from the inevitable and constant attacks from the world.  This is where the ego comes in.

The ego is a construct of our personality designed to protect us from the hostile world we live in.  The ego needs to defend, appear strong and in control to others, and most importantly, be right; because if you can’t be right in this world, then what have you got?

The ego is not a bad thing, really.  It just does what it does.  Some would say the tiger is evil for killing the beautiful gazelle.  Others say the tiger is good for it plays an important role in the circle of life.  But the tiger is neither good nor evil.  It just is.  So it is also true for the ego.

We can’t be ego free.  We have to accept we will always yearn with the desire to be right, appear strong and in control to others, and feel a need to defend ourselves from what we tend to expect is a hostile world.  We can learn how to manage our ego.  I remember clearly my prior addiction to being right. There was a time in my life I would die on any principle if I convinced everyone else I was right.  What a waste of time!  Rather than make me appear weak and out of control, giving up my need to be right actually helped me become a stronger person.

We did a lot of work in this area on the radio show. We did 15 days of exercises to help you recognize and manage negative ego responses. I will address days 75-90 in upcoming posts.  In the meantime, I invite you to work on this 90-Day selflove challenge.  Go to http://whenyouneedafriend.com/category/90-day-challenge-to-self-love/ to learn more.

Disease or Dis-ease? Rethinking the philosophy of Addiction

The nature of addiction is not well understood in our society.  From the right, addiction is seen as largely a character defect; a level of laziness wherein the addict will not get her act together and pull herself up by the boots straps to take responsibility for life.  From the left, addiction is a disease rooted in genetics that leaves the addict largely helpless to his cravings.  He needs intense behavioral programming to help him stay in recovery and he must be ever vigilant, because his biology places him at life-long risk.

Depending on where we fall on the ideological scale, we largely accept these beliefs as fact. Even public funding supports these beliefs as most substance abuse programs are founded on behavioral principles and the philosophy that addiction is genetic and has no relationship to mental health.

I take issue with this.  From my own experience, I classify myself as an addict.  I’ve been addicted to many things in my life:  cocaine, anger, sex, cigarettes and diet coke, to name a few.  I don’t really struggle with addictive impulses now, nor have I for years.  Although I can never really compare my inner struggle to anyone else’s, my compulsions to indulge were very real and felt impossible at points to overcome.

I’ve never been to rehab.  I’ve never attended a 12-step meeting.  I don’t have any particular problem with any of those tools, but what I did do was dedicate my focus to establishing an improved relationship with myself.  I recently came across the book, Chasing the Scream by Johann Hari, a well-researched account of how our addictive impulses are more about our lack of connection, our lack of bonding, much more than any genetic problem were are just condemned to live with.

This new discussion on the subject challenges both the left and right standards of thinking and suggests we can overcome addiction altogether by focusing on the key relationships in our lives and doing whatever we can to feel bonded and connected.  Personally, I take the theory one step further and suggest the most important relationship in our lives is our relationship with ourselves.  I know for me, the more I committed to a loving, respectful, bonded and connected relationship to myself, the less need I had for my addictions.   The struggle simply no longer existed.

Additionally, when I look back on times in my life I became more susceptible to my cravings, I can see how I had become disconnected from myself and it was through reconnection I emerged craving-free once more.

There are a lot of things you can be addicted to aside from drugs or alcohol.  Fact is, we are all either in active addiction or active recovery.  The only difference lies in the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.

90-Day Self Love Challenge Part 2 of 4– Developing Acceptance

I’m a regular guest on The Lillian McDermott Radio Show which airs every 2nd and 4th Tuesday, 9am EDT at www.whenyouneedafriend.com.  During last September’s show, we were discussing depression and anxiety and I mentioned quite often, the root cause of depression and anxiety is a lack of selflove.  Lillian was very interested in how we can work to love ourselves more fully. Together we embarked on developing the 90-Day Self Love Challenge.  This blog covers the second 30 days of that challenge.

Aside from love, acceptance is probably what we want most in life.  Like love, we tend to look for it and crave it from others.  Also like love, I’ve found the most rewarding way to gain acceptance in this life is to accept yourself and not base your level of acceptance on what other people think about you.  This topic has been covered many times in books such as “What You Think about Me Is None of My Business”, but what has really helped me on this journey is Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements.

 In this book, the second agreement states verbatim, “Take nothing personally.  What other people do or say is a reflection of their own consciousness and has nothing to do with you, even if it is directed at you.”  I can repeat it easily enough, because I have said it to myself a billion times.

To say the 70’s and 80’s were a hostile environment for a young gay boy would be vastly understated.  I knew I was different before I had words to describe why.  So did the other kids.  I was even bullied and mistreated by teachers, while others just looked the other way while verbal and physical harassment occurred right in front of them.  Those experiences left me without a good sense of self.  When you hear something over and over again, you easily believe it.  It becomes your truth.  Since I didn’t have the skills to accept myself I became addicted to acceptance from others.

That’s where the Don Miguel Ruiz’s 2nd Agreement comes in – after much meditating on it, I was able to rewire my brain in a positive way and develop a more useful truth:  Other people’s opinions are just opinion, and not necessarily qualified ones.  Opinions are not facts.

We did a lot of work in this area on the radio show with 30 days of exercises to help you become more accepting of not only yourself, but also of others around you. I will address days 61-90 in upcoming posts.  In the meantime, I invite you to work on this 90-Day selflove challenge.  Go to http://whenyouneedafriend.com/category/90-day-challenge-to-self-love/ to learn more.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find out What It Means to Me

I’ve often thought respect is the foundation of a good relationship.  Without respect, the other things we want from our relationships like trust, love, fulfillment and meaning all seem hollower.  Respect is a fertile ground in which trust and love and can grow abundantly.

Recently I found this great article written for school teachers about teaching trust to children.  The article explains respect should not be confused with obedience.  We may obey people we are afraid of, or for some reason defer to their authority.  That does not mean we respect them.  The article also states the best way to teach respect is to be respectful.  I find that very important as when I look around the world, I see many people displaying a sense of entitlement to the respect they “deserve” without acknowledging any responsibility to give respect to others. Here are some great bullet points about how to teach respect to your partner by first being respectful:

Be honest – If you do something wrong, admit it and apologize. Be aware of how your actions affect your partner and take responsibility for the consequences of those actions.

Be positive – Don’t embarrass, insult or make fun of your partner. This is as important when it’s just the two of you as it is in public.  We are programmed by society to shape behavior through criticism.  Just because it is common and everyone does it, doesn’t make it a good idea.

Be trusting – Let your partner make choices and take responsibility. I ask people all the time “what is the definition of trust?” People mistakenly believe trust is a confident belief you have for someone after they’ve proven worthy of it.  WRONG! Trust is about believing and being confident in someone without guarantee.  It’s also about forgiving people when they are truly sorry for having hurt you.

Be a good listener – Listen to your partner’s side of the story before reaching a conclusion.  How often do you interrupt or spend think about what how you are going to respond even before your partner has quit speaking?  Give your partner your full attention. Be aware of how your body language conveys interest and attention. If you are turned away doing something with your hands, I know you are not listening to me really.  Just saying you are doesn’t change reality. Learning to listen is a talent, skill and an art.  You have to practice it to become better at it.  It doesn’t happen without time, attention and energy.

Be polite – Use “please” and “thank you.” Be aware and respectful of your partner’s space. You can create a lot of happiness and contentment in your relationship simply by exercising basic politeness.

Be reliable – Keep promises. Show your partner you mean what you say.

These are basic, simple tips to use in your everyday life.  You can transform your relationship and your life just by practicing these every day.

The Greatest Love of All

I’ve been focusing and concentrating a lot recently about the concept of self-love and how, exactly, does one learn to love oneself?  I challenge clients with this question often and just as frequently the response is, “I don’t know”, or “I don’t love myself and don’t know where I would begin doing so.”

Working on self-love is one of life’s most difficult tasks. Because it is such a difficult concept to understand, it’s why most people give up, dissociate from their lives in significant ways and develop strategies to run from themselves.  People running from the responsibility of self-love has resulted in our being the most in-debt, overweight, addicted, prescription-pill-taking, depressed society that has ever existed on the planet.

Hard? Yes.  Impossible? No.  Worth all the damage we do to ourselves to avoid the responsibility?  Absolutely not.  I have been posting a series of daily reminders on the BHC Assessment & Consulting Facebook page to outline self-loving steps.  You can “like” the Facebook page and follow along here: https://www.facebook.com/drdave0521.

First, you have to realize the work of self-love is a life-long journey.  You will never be finished.  That’s actually good news!  Imagine the longest relationship you will ever have in your life continuing to grow and get better, richer, more meaningful, rather than stagnant and boring.  Who doesn’t want that?

Second, you have to commit to the actions that create love: respect, acceptance, patience, value and consideration.  These may mostly be mental actions, but they are still actions.  You can achieve this by asking yourself, “How can I respect myself today? How can I accept myself today? Etc.”

The longer I live and study the human experience, the more I recognize this work of self-loving can make major headway in solving most of life’s problems.  It can help alleviate symptoms of depression and anxiety.  It can help alleviate the effects of trauma.  It can probably even help alleviate the symptoms more severe mental illnesses such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.  At the very least, it can make life more livable.

Love is the greatest gift you can give yourself.