Appreciation in Relationships

One of the reoccurring themes I see in couples counseling is appreciation, or the lack thereof. Particularly with couples that have been together for a long time, appreciation can fall to the wayside when they start to take things for granted. This could be something as small as minor household chores. If your partner has always done the dishes, you may not think to thank them or acknowledge how much you appreciate it. What if they just stopped one day? The dishes would pile up, the kitchen would be a mess, it may attract bugs or pests, etc. Often, we don’t realize how important something little like that is until it doesn’t get done. When I ask couples to start acknowledging the little things their partner does around the house, they often think that it is a ridiculous suggestion. Why should they thank their partner for something that they should be doing anyway? That attitude signals a problem to me: the little things your partner does are just as important as the bigger things. Those little things help your household and relationship run more smoothly. Why wouldn’t you thank them for their contributions to that, just as they should be thanking you for yours?

There are several other reasons that appreciation is so important in relationships. One of them is because it increases your positive interactions. According to John Gottman, renowned couples researcher and therapist, couples need a positive to negative interaction ratio of 5:1, meaning for every one negative interaction or thought you have regarding your partner, you need 5 positive ones to make up for it. Thanking your partner for the little but important things they do is an easy way to increase that number. Gottman also discusses what he calls “building a culture of appreciation, fondness, and admiration” within your relationship. Many people struggle with what is called “hyper-vigilence for negativity.” This is when you search your environment and your situations for the bad things instead of the good. If you’re looking for bad, you’ll find it. The same applies if you’re looking for good… so why wouldn’t you choose to look for the good instead? The happiest couples are the ones who look for opportunities to recognize their partners for the good things they do.

Another way to show appreciation is to compliment your partner. Reminding them of the things you love about them, particularly when they’re having a bad day or are feeling down, is an excellent way to show them appreciation, fondness and admiration. It’s very important to remind your partner that you support them, you’re proud of them, you’re attracted to them, and all of the things you admire about them. Give affection and compliments as often as possible. Remind yourself and your partner of what made you fall in love in the first place, and do that as frequently as you can. Making appreciation a priority in your relationship is a surefire way to keep the spark alive, and to increase both partners’ happiness and satisfaction.

Mental Health Awareness

Because I work in the field of Mental Health, I’m constantly surrounded by people who are seeking help. Unfortunately, there are still millions of people who need help, but don’t ask for it. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five adults have a mental illness, but only 60% of those people seek help. Why?

As far as we’ve come as a society, we still attach a stigma not only to mental illness, but therapy in general. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say things like, “Therapy is only for people who are crazy,” or “I would never talk to a complete stranger about my problems.” We have no problem gossiping about other people’s issues and condemning them for their problems, yet we judge others for seeking help with those same things. In order to stop this from happening, we have to dispel the stigma surrounding mental health and therapy, and see it for what it really is.

So how do we change the way people see mental health? I believe it starts with changing the conversations we have about mental health. When we see a friend who eats healthy or goes to the gym regularly, we don’t judge them and say horrible things about them; we admire them for taking care of their body and often wish we had the willpower and the time to do the same. The same rule should apply for people who go to therapy- it’s like going to the gym for your brain. Physical health and mental health go hand in hand, and should be looked at the same way. When you have a cold or the flu, you see a doctor. When you are experiencing depression or anxiety, you see a therapist. Both provide you with the tools you need and the path to healing to help make the problem better. The added bonus with therapy is that those tools are reusable and often applicable across various situations.

Seeking counseling does not mean you’re “crazy.” It means you’re human, and more importantly, that you place importance on taking care of your mental health. Some people are equipped with the tools they need to be able to handle things on their own most of the time, but a lot of people need help learning and employing those tools. There is no shame in that. Not everyone was born into a family where effective problem solving and coping skills were modeled for them and not everyone has the perfect balance of chemicals in their brain that work to keep them from experiencing unhealthy levels of stress, anxiety and depression. For the millions of people who need help, and especially for those afraid to ask for it, support, awareness, and empathy are absolutely crucial. Remember, physical health and mental health are equally important: change starts with those of us willing to stand up and advocate for it.

 

Eat Right: Vegan for a Week

A lot of people have expressed to me an interest in going vegan. People are under the impression that it’s really hard to do and very expensive. It’s actually neither if you just plan ahead, have some staple ingredients, and prepare things in advance.

Eating a more whole foods, plant based diet can help you lose weight, feel better, and live a healthier life. I try to think of things I’m ADDING to my diet (vegetables, fruit, nuts, beans, and seeds), rather than what I’m LOSING. Many of the meat substitutes (with some brands being better than others, but you must try to get your favorite) taste like the real deal and when you compare the calories, sodium, and fat, you would be amazed at the difference.

I’m not a fan of eating big meals so I mostly “graze” throughout the day. The following is an example of 2 weeks in which I buy certain items from the grocery store and use them up throughout the course of the week, along with a list of those items:

Grocery Store:
Bananas
Oatmeal
Raisins
Cantaloupe
Watermelon
Multi-grain sandwich rounds
Portabello mushrooms
Eggless egg noodles (or whole wheat fettucini)
Frozen spinach
Peppers
Onion
Tomatoes
Chickenless chicken
Tofurkey Turkey Deli Slices
Beefless Beef Tips
Peppers

*Everything that’s in bold represents staples that I keep around at the house and office.

Monday:
Breakfast: ½ a sandwich round folded over with peanut butter; ½ a banana (Freeze the other half)
Snack: Cantaloupe
Lunch: Sandwich (sandwich rounds, your choice of condiments, Tofurkey deli slices, tomato, lettuce, onion); Dill Pickle; Black Bean Soup
Snack: Wasabi peas
Dinner: Portabello Mushroom Stroganoff

Tuesday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins, the other half of the banana from yesterday (frozen)
Snack: Watermelon
Lunch: Salad with your choice of dressing (tomatoes, onions, peppers, green olives, banana peppers); ½ a baked potato with vegan butter and sour cream
Snack: Pretzels with peanut butter
Dinner: “Chicken” Fajitas with peppers and onions (Add rice and black beans if you want, or have refried beans as a side)

Wednesday:
Breakfast: ½ a sandwich round peanut butter sandwich, ½ a banana
Snack: Canteloupe
Lunch: Sandwich (hummus, Tofurkey, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, and salad dressing); lentil soup
Snack: Wasabi peas
Dinner: “Chicken” Salad; ½ a sandwich round, toasted with vegan butter and garlic powder; canteloupe

Thursday:
Breakfast: Oatmeal with raisins; ½ a banana
Snack: Watermelon
Lunch: Salad and ½ baked potato
Snack: Cashews
Dinner: Beefless beef tips with peppers, onion, rice, and Amino Acids

Friday:
Breakfast: ½ a sandwich round with peanut butter and ½ a banana
Snack: Pretzels
Lunch: Leftover “chicken” salad sandwich; Dill Pickle
Snack: Watermelon
Dinner: Portabello Mushroom Burger with peppers and onions

Try this for a couple of weeks and see if you feel any better. Going vegan helped me to feel a lot better, mentally and physically. I lost 20 pounds within the first month and have kept it off for over 2 years. In 2 months I’ll be 40 years old and I’m at the same weight I was my senior year in high school. I’ve been told that my skin looks better. I also feel like I have more energy. When I used to eat lunch, I’d feel very sleepy afterwards, but not when I’m eating vegan and smaller meals throughout the day.

Add exercise to this lifestyle to ultimately boost your energy levels. Some yoga or pilates, walking or swimming, would be a great way to stay fit and feel more energetic. A 30 minute walk a day would do wonders, especially if you’re walking somewhere scenic like downtown. You can go on Youtube and find 30 minute yoga or pilates workouts.

Hope this helps!

Gay Marriage: Now What?

Six months ago, when gay marriage was finally legalized in Florida, I co-taught the workshop that couples have to take if they want to be married within 3 days of getting their marriage license. A few weeks ago, I had the honor of marrying two men who have been together for more than 28 years. With the great things that are happening in our country for equality right now, I started thinking… what really changes for couples when they legalize their union?

Marriage, as an institution, has been around longer than recorded history. In fact, it wasn’t even recognized as a religious sacrament until 1184. Even after that, churches stayed out of marriage for the most part until the 16th century, because marriage was considered a contract between two families. It seems like lately, though, parts of society are intent on defining marriage as something that is ordained by God and reserved for those who fit into the “traditional” view of marriage that much of society holds. Luckily for those of us who don’t subscribe to that view, our laws are changing to reflect a more inclusive definition for marriage.

As a marriage and family therapist, I work with both straight and gay couples, and the problems that occur within marriages are fairly similar across the board. Couples don’t come to me when they’re at their best; they come when they have run out of options and want to make a change. Those changes range from improving communication to learning healthier conflict styles to what to do when there has been infidelity. When I look at couples who come in for counseling who are married versus ones that aren’t, the biggest difference I see is the level of commitment. Marriage is a huge commitment: it is the legalization of the desire to be with the other person for the rest of their lives. In my experience, no one goes into marriage thinking, “If it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce.” Additionally, there is a legally binding contract that influences the outcome of any separation, particularly if there is a prenuptial agreement or if the couple resides in a state where “what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is yours.”

For many gay couples, this is a fairly new concept, at least from a legal perspective. I asked several couples, many who have been together for 20+ years why they would want to legalize their union with marriage. I heard that they wanted to because they want the same rights as everyone else, they had always wanted a traditional wedding, they wanted to do it for their families, but also to pave the way for future generations.

Marriage isn’t about a church, a dress or a party. It is about two people having the right to formally express their love and devotion to one another in a way that binds them emotionally and legally. You don’t have to get married to love someone and be with them for the rest of your lives- but having the option is something we all deserve, and now have.

Psychological Survival

When I was in grad school, a professor started a semester with 2 questions: Would you ever have owned a slave? Would you have ever considered being a Nazi?

Of course everyone answered “no”.

Weeks later he stormed into the classroom and was clearly pissed off. He stated that someone in the class had complained that he didn’t give enough tests, so he was administering one today. Two people spoke up to tell him that was unfair and he yelled at them and sent them out of the room. He left the class after passing out the test and I started to hear giggles. I turned over the test and it said: “Behavior modification works.” On the next page, “I can make you do almost anything I want.” And on the last page, “I just proved it to you.”

When asked why we didn’t challenge him, we explained it was because we pay a lot of money for school and want to make good grades. His point was that, if we wouldn’t speak up because of money and grades, what made us think we would have stood up to slavery or the Nazis? Speaking up could have you killed, or your family.

It was a powerful message that I never forgot. It made me think of the show “Walking Dead” and the book “Lord of the Flies”. Both stories are about survival in which common everyday people become the monsters they started out fearing.

Of course, it’s hard to imagine being in situations such as that in our time. A zombie apocalypse isn’t realistic and it’s not every day we get stranded on a desert island. However, there are extremely stressful situations such as combat and natural disasters. Under extreme duress it’s easy to fall into an “anything goes” situation.

How does one maintain psychological survival in those instances? You have to direct your fears, manage your emotions, and keep your ego in check. You have to first decide TO survive. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. If you’re in the mindset that you can do it, then you will. Don’t ever accept the “fact” that it’s a useless, helpless situation.

You also have to value teamwork and accept that there might be others who are better at certain things than you. Make sure to delegate responsibilities and focus on each individual’s strengths rather than weaknesses. It’s important for us all to be aware of our core values and not to panic in stressful situations. When you are feeling overwhelmed, that’s an indication that you need to step back from the situation, assess what’s going on, remember your core values, and act accordingly.

Hope that helps!

90-Day Self Love Challenge Part 3 of 4– Managing the Ego

I’m a regular guest on The Lillian McDermott Radio Show which airs every 2nd and 4th Tuesday, 9am EDT at www.whenyouneedafriend.com.  During last September’s show, we were discussing depression and anxiety and I mentioned quite often, the root cause of depression and anxiety is a lack of selflove.  Lillian was very interested in how we can work to love ourselves more fully. Together we embarked on developing the 90-Day Self Love Challenge.  This blog covers the 61-75 days of that challenge.

“I am my own worst enemy.”  Are you at all surprised by how profoundly true that statement is?  Author Eckhardt Tolle wrote in The Power of Now all problems exist in the mind.  It makes sense if you think that if its true happiness comes from “out there,” then it must be true all problems come from “out there” as well.

When we live our lives believing our happiness and sorrows exist outside of ourselves, beyond our control, it leaves us in the unfortunate position of feeling victimized, without power and control.  Being put in such a very scary position leaves us no other alternative than to defend ourselves from the inevitable and constant attacks from the world.  This is where the ego comes in.

The ego is a construct of our personality designed to protect us from the hostile world we live in.  The ego needs to defend, appear strong and in control to others, and most importantly, be right; because if you can’t be right in this world, then what have you got?

The ego is not a bad thing, really.  It just does what it does.  Some would say the tiger is evil for killing the beautiful gazelle.  Others say the tiger is good for it plays an important role in the circle of life.  But the tiger is neither good nor evil.  It just is.  So it is also true for the ego.

We can’t be ego free.  We have to accept we will always yearn with the desire to be right, appear strong and in control to others, and feel a need to defend ourselves from what we tend to expect is a hostile world.  We can learn how to manage our ego.  I remember clearly my prior addiction to being right. There was a time in my life I would die on any principle if I convinced everyone else I was right.  What a waste of time!  Rather than make me appear weak and out of control, giving up my need to be right actually helped me become a stronger person.

We did a lot of work in this area on the radio show. We did 15 days of exercises to help you recognize and manage negative ego responses. I will address days 75-90 in upcoming posts.  In the meantime, I invite you to work on this 90-Day selflove challenge.  Go to http://whenyouneedafriend.com/category/90-day-challenge-to-self-love/ to learn more.

Forgiving vs. Forgetting

“The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together, it’s not because they forget; it’s because they forgive.” –Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal

Forgiveness is often mistaken as something you do for other people; in truth, it’s much less altruistic than that. Imagine carrying around a backpack full of all the times someone in your life had done something that required your forgiveness. Imagine that instead of forgiving them, you had held on to all of those things. The weight of all of those unforgiven actions would be unbearable, and you would crumble under that weight. When we forgive someone, we not only accept their apology and make them feel better, we unburden ourselves of the weight of the negative feelings and thoughts that came with the action.

There is a major difference between forgiving someone for something they’ve done wrong, and forgetting it ever happened. That difference lies not in the way you treat the person who wronged you, but in how you carry what is left over from what happened. Forgiveness means acknowledging that people are fallible; that they make mistakes and are not perfect, but choosing to love them regardless. It does not mean setting aside everything they’ve done wrong and ignoring it; it means choosing not to use their past mistakes against them, but remembering things that have happened as a lesson. This may seem difficult, because often people are eager to engage in an all-or-nothing thinking, they either forgive and forget, or don’t do either.

The ability to forgive and move on is a learned skill, and not something you can automatically be great at. If you’re prone to holding on to things, learning to let go of them may feel like you are betraying yourself or your feelings. I often tell my clients that if you can change your perspective on something, you can change pretty much anything else as well- the way you feel about the situation, the way the situation effects you, and your relationships. Once you’ve done it enough times, the struggle ceases.

I’m definitely not saying that everything deserves forgiveness, or even that forgiveness should be your automatic response to every wrong that is done to you. I firmly believe that ninety percent of a problem is how you react to it- forgiveness is a reaction, and while we may not always feel like it is true, we are fully capable of choosing our reaction to things that happen to us. There will always be things that we feel are unforgivable, and sometimes choosing not to forgive is about self-preservation and is necessary. Ultimately, it boils down to picking your battles. You get to choose the things that go inside that imaginary backpack that you carry around. Choose things that help you, not hinder you. If all else fails, give yourself time to decide how you want to react, and if forgiveness is a possibility.

Self Medicating

It seems to me that different people have different versions of what it means to self-medicate and when it becomes a problem. When I was younger, my dad used to come home and drink 2 straight vodkas in a highball glass, eat dinner, then watch tv, and go to bed. Every day. I never saw him as an “alcoholic.” He never beat us or slurred his words or fought with my mom or anything like the stories I’ve heard people tell about growing up with alcoholics. I think that having a glass or two of alcohol at the end of the day is not a big deal.

How can you tell if there’s a problem? I have two questions that I ask to determine the answer:

1) Does it affect your day-to-day life?
2) Is it affecting your health?

If the answer is yes, you might want to start thinking about what’s going on (or what’s gone on) in your life that’s causing you to self-medicate. I look at substance misuse as a tip-of-the-iceberg situation in that there’s usually something much bigger under the surface. It might be untreated depression or being bullied as a child or anger over a past relationship.

What do you do about it? I like to assign brainstorming activities. This involves sitting down in a calm space alone and handwriting whatever comes to mind for 30 minutes non-stop. This exercise typically reaches the sub-concious and you can learn better what it is you’re dealing with. Another technique is to make a list of the people who have hurt you most or with whom you’re the angriest. One by one, address those people and situations by either writing about them until you feel somewhat resolved or writing them a letter saying everything you want to. At the end, burn the letter or rip it to pieces. This can be a very cathartic exercise but it can also bring up a lot, so make sure to have something fun planned afterwards.

If these exercises don’t help, you might consider psychotherapy. If you do, remember us. We have 4 therapists here at BHC.

Hope this helps!

Disease or Dis-ease? Rethinking the philosophy of Addiction

The nature of addiction is not well understood in our society.  From the right, addiction is seen as largely a character defect; a level of laziness wherein the addict will not get her act together and pull herself up by the boots straps to take responsibility for life.  From the left, addiction is a disease rooted in genetics that leaves the addict largely helpless to his cravings.  He needs intense behavioral programming to help him stay in recovery and he must be ever vigilant, because his biology places him at life-long risk.

Depending on where we fall on the ideological scale, we largely accept these beliefs as fact. Even public funding supports these beliefs as most substance abuse programs are founded on behavioral principles and the philosophy that addiction is genetic and has no relationship to mental health.

I take issue with this.  From my own experience, I classify myself as an addict.  I’ve been addicted to many things in my life:  cocaine, anger, sex, cigarettes and diet coke, to name a few.  I don’t really struggle with addictive impulses now, nor have I for years.  Although I can never really compare my inner struggle to anyone else’s, my compulsions to indulge were very real and felt impossible at points to overcome.

I’ve never been to rehab.  I’ve never attended a 12-step meeting.  I don’t have any particular problem with any of those tools, but what I did do was dedicate my focus to establishing an improved relationship with myself.  I recently came across the book, Chasing the Scream by Johann Hari, a well-researched account of how our addictive impulses are more about our lack of connection, our lack of bonding, much more than any genetic problem were are just condemned to live with.

This new discussion on the subject challenges both the left and right standards of thinking and suggests we can overcome addiction altogether by focusing on the key relationships in our lives and doing whatever we can to feel bonded and connected.  Personally, I take the theory one step further and suggest the most important relationship in our lives is our relationship with ourselves.  I know for me, the more I committed to a loving, respectful, bonded and connected relationship to myself, the less need I had for my addictions.   The struggle simply no longer existed.

Additionally, when I look back on times in my life I became more susceptible to my cravings, I can see how I had become disconnected from myself and it was through reconnection I emerged craving-free once more.

There are a lot of things you can be addicted to aside from drugs or alcohol.  Fact is, we are all either in active addiction or active recovery.  The only difference lies in the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.

Say it, Mean it, Do it

One of the things I often discuss in couples counseling is love languages, which comes from Dr. Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages. The main concept behind love languages is that everyone has a primary love language that they speak (there are five all together- Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts), meaning that they tend to give and receive love in that language. Imagine you’re in a relationship with someone who speaks Words of Affirmation, but your language is Acts of Service. This is like being in a relationship with someone who speaks Portuguese when you speak English- if you receive love only in the language that you give it, you may not appreciate love when it is given to you.

Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service are the two love languages that I see at odds most frequently, which is why I am introducing the idea of “say it, mean it, do it.” Words of Affirmation (“saying it”) places value on compliments, verbal acknowledgement, etc. Acts of Service (“doing it”) places value on actions, specifically things that are done for them that make their lives easier or without having to remind their partner to do them. Someone who speaks Acts of Services is less likely to put worth on promises and verbal commitments unless they are followed through on. Someone who speaks Words of Affirmation is less likely to notice and put worth on the things their partner does for them without them having to ask. Both people are showing love to the other person, but in the language that they themselves want to receive love in, not necessarily in the language their partner wants receive love in.

If you have two people who speak such different love languages, how do you get them to recognize and appreciate the love that is being given to them? For someone who speaks Acts of Service, the words (“saying it”) are fine as long as they are followed by corresponding actions (“doing it.”) That’s where intention (“meaning it”) comes in. If your words and intentions are good, that’s awesome- but unless you follow through, they mean very little to someone who speaks Acts of Service. In a relationship, if a Words of Affirmation person says the words and has the intentions, but does not follow through consistently and reliably, the Acts of Service person will likely feel wronged and disappointed. If an Acts of Service person does nice things for their partner that they would appreciate themselves, their actions and intentions are fine, but the words aren’t there, which for a Words of Affirmation person is often the more important part.

The solution to this is simple- follow the pattern of “say it, mean it, do it,” regardless of your personal love language. Make your words match your intentions and follow through with actions. If you’re able to commit to all three parts, it is very likely that both you and your partner will be pleased with the outcome.