Hiv Support

I would like to say that I became involved in HIV care services and advocacy because I was a concerned community member, but that is not the whole truth. The real story is that like most uninformed people, I was terrified of HIV. I was paranoid about contracting the virus (from situations I now know was impossible to contract it from) and would go for HIV testing more than was necessary. When I began volunteering for the GLBT Community Center on Mills Avenue, I learned about their volunteer based HIV counselor program. I was in school for mental health counseling and decided then and there I was going to get educated and overcome this fear. That decision changed my personal and professional life and I am so grateful I took that step from ignorance to knowledge.

I know that there are many others, both HIV positive and HIV negative individuals who are carrying around a great deal of misconceptions about HIV. Our schools fail us by not educating youth about the reality of HIV. It has become a passion of mine to help shed light on the dark corners of this issue. I’d like to talk about two initiatives I am most excited about.

In the summer of 2015, I was the Director of Clinical Services for the GLBT Center and running the HIV/STI/Hep C testing programs. I was alarmed by the number of young gay men (under 30) being diagnosed with HIV at The Center each and every month. There was no break. Every few days we were telling a person in his teens and early twenties that he was HIV positive. Many of these young men were scared. They weren’t out to parents, they didn’t have jobs or health insurance. They worried that no one could love them and they would be alone for the rest of their lives. It was heartbreaking and something needed to be done. I sat down with the mental health counselors at The Center and shared with them my idea of a 6-week support and educational group for young gay/bi men under the age of 30 recently diagnosed with HIV. They were on board and at that moment A.W.A.R.E was born. The acronym, created by Nicole Elinoff, means Achieving Wellness and Reaching Excellence. It perfectly exemplifies what A.W.A.R.E is and has grown to become. Impulse Group Orlando took A.W.A.R.E. under its wing and has been providing much needed support, such as advertising, free transportation to members who need a ride, and an amazing dinner for the participants at the end of each group. Now based out of Two Spirit Health Services, A.W.A.R.E will begin its 5th group on September 12th. This program has changed people’s lives by giving them the hope and knowledge they so desperately need to move forward after a HIV diagnosis. The group is free and a lot of fun. If you or someone you know would like to enroll in the September group, please email me (Lindsay) at aware@impulsegrp.org.

A.W.A.R.E. was definitely a “ah-ha” moment and I had another one like it when I was presenting about HIV to a group of mental health counseling students at Stetson University. At the end of the presentation they asked me where they could go to find all of the information I had presented in one place. I couldn’t answer that question because such a place didn’t exist. There wasn’t a clearing house of information about HIV for mental health clinicians that was specific to our local area. As a result of this problem, I decided to create a website called Red Ribbon Counseling (http://lindsaykincaide.wixsite.com/redribboncounseling) for my Capstone project that is a part of my master’s degree. The site features HIV facts, treatment guidelines, information about pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), and community referrals specifically directed towards mental health clinicians in East Central Florida. If every mental health professional assessed for HIV knowledge with their clients and shared information with them we would have a much better handle on the HIV epidemic. I hope this site empowers clinicians to become HIV advocates in their practices and daily lives.

What I have learned over the last couple of years is that you just never know when an experience is going to transform your life. For me, one of my greatest fears became one of my greatest passions. What about your fears? Take a look. You might be surprised what you find…….

 

Mindfulness

Mindfulness. The word used to make me cringe! As a counselor in training, everywhere I went and every book I opened wanted to tell me that I needed to be more mindful. But what the heck did that mean? Hot yoga? No thanks! Hours of meditation? I’d be lucky if I could get through 5 minutes. It felt like a bunch of academic types who didn’t know what it was like working two jobs, going to school, or living pay check to pay check. This doesn’t apply to my life, I thought. And it won’t to most of my clients. So I actively ignored it.

Little did I know, however, that the real principles behind mindfulness were sinking in without my awareness as a result of my training at Stetson University. I was tolerating stress better. I was more in-tuned with my body. I was happier and healthier. So what was I doing differently?

Firstly, I was exercising. I had made a commitment in the spring of 2014 to begin a consistent exercise routine. I hadn’t had much success with gyms so I decided to try something different. I joined a boot camp where I could go for 30 minutes group sessions. I felt that 30 minutes was something I could fit into my hectic schedule and that my peers and coach would challenge me to maximize my work out. I was right. Not only was I able to stay committed to weekly exercise but for the first time I actually enjoyed working out. I didn’t lose a bunch of weight but after the very first workout I noticed something interesting – I was less stressed and my mind felt more clear. The more I continued to work out the less stressed I felt. Now, when I’m having a tough week, I know that I have that time to sweat off the stress. No, it doesn’t have to be hot yoga. Take a walk around the block. Stroll around the mall. Exercise triggers neurotransmitters, such as endorphins and serotonin, which are associated with feelings of happiness and well being. It’s not just your heart and lungs that are impacted by exercise, it’s your mind as well.

I learned to breathe. Yes, I’ve been breathing for 31 years, but now I am aware of how breathing with intention can lower physical arousal in my body. Air is a life source and when we focus on our breathing amazing things happen – our heart beat slows, tension begins to subside, and we feel calmer. It’s simple and you can literally do it anywhere: the office, your car, a doctor’s waiting room, in bed, on the couch. Sit comfortably with your feet on the ground. Place your hands on your lap or beside you. Close your eyes. Breathe in for 5 counts, hold the breathe for 5 counts, and slowly exhale for 5 counts. Some will say to breathe in, hold, and exhale for longer than 5 counts, but personally I’ve never had much success with that. Do what works for you. Make it a practice to breath intentionally when you are stressed, anxious, or feeling emotionally aroused. Once you get in the habit it will feel like having a therapist in your pocket.

I started cooking dinner and eating with my partner (without the TV on!) A few months ago, my partner and I began cooking a healthy meal three times a week and would sit down at the table to eat together. The TV is off and the phones are put away. This one-on-one time has enhanced our relationship and lowered our collective stress as a couple. We now have the opportunity to talk out our daily stresses and when we do the conversation soon gravitates to our hopes for the future. There are a few ways you can do this without the process of cooking become another stressor. If it works for your budget, meal delivery programs, such as Hello Fresh and Blue Apron, deliver everything you need right to your door. On the weekend, you can plan out a couple of meals and go grocery shopping so the items are in your fridge and ready to go. This works wonders for families as well. You’ll find yourself feeling more connected and less prone to arguments.

I cut out the black and white thinking. I was not either completely perfect or a total failure. Life was no longer absolutely wonderful or completely horrible. Living in the gray space freed me from the prison of absolutist thinking. In the gray space there is nothing but endless possibility. I could mess up and still be an amazing student and employee. I could be frustrated with my community and also in awe of how far we have come. Struggle became an opportunity for growth and disappointments transformed into new dreams. Black and white thinking is toxic and it makes us miserable. Increasing mindfulness enables us to see these unhelpful thinking styles, maybe for the first time. We can then decide if we are going to do something about them. The first step, of course, is awareness.
So much to my surprise, I can now say that I am on the mindfulness bandwagon. It all changed for me when I began to identify and adjust the black and white thinking. There is no right or wrong way to “do mindfulness.” If you are not a tea-drinking yoga guy or gal, that’s ok. Mindfulness isn’t about gym memberships or incense or expensive stuff. It’s about connecting to our own minds and bodies. It’s about realizing that what we are looking for to make our lives happier, healthier, and more peaceful has been inside of us all along.

Your Relationship With Your Depression

I often ask people what their relationship is with their depression and they usually look at me like my head is on fire. I explain that, when my depression was at its worst, I looked at it like a comfortable old slipper. If I got into an argument with my boyfriend at the time, I would throw my hands in the air, retire to my bedroom, dim all the lights, put The Cure’s “Disintegration” on repeat, and lay in bed, possibly for a whole weekend which “freed” me from having to deal with his nonsense. If I had a project due for school, forget about it. I now had a valid excuse to not have to go out to parties and be social. I looked at my depression like a long, lost friend coming into town for the night. You know shenanigans will ensue. It will be fun while it lasts, but there will be hell to pay later with the consequences.

At some point, though, I realized that I wanted to have a good relationship. I wanted to have friends and enjoy my time with them. I wanted to do well in school and get my degree. My depression was actually robbing me of all those things I claimed to want. That’s when I learned that I had to change my relationship status with my depression from “It’s Complicated” to “Divorced.

Whether you realize it or not, you have an actual relationship with your depression. Is it part of your identity? Are you comfortable with it? In love with it? If so, that’s a huge part of the problem.

I used to look at it as an ugly head that popped out of my shoulder saying things like “You’ll never be good enough,” “You can’t do that,” etc. The ugly head is still there but now it more comes out of the ground and I stifle somewhat effortlessly with my foot. Depression usually doesn’t go away or get “cured.” Mine hasn’t. But instead of EMBRACING it, I MANAGE it.

You have to be very careful with how you identify with your diagnoses. I talk to a lot of people who feel like it’s just their burden to carry and it’s never going away. If that’s your perspective, then that will be your reality.

Getting to a point where you are managing it is possible, but not easy. It requires work. A lot of people don’t want to do that work and get stuck in their diagnosis. They feel like it will never get better. Two things are required from the beginning to get through it: Hope and Belief.  You have to allow yourself to hope to get better and then believe that you can.

My journey started with changing my “relationship status,” working diligently on positive thinking and changing my mindset. I used to be a very pessimistic person and considered the glass “half empty.” I would have told you that I was just being realistic, but now I am optimistic. Your “reality” is what you choose to FOCUS on.

Hope this helps!

Things to Talk About Before Marriage

Marriage is such an exciting time in a couples’ life. There are so many decisions and plans to be made that often couples completely bypass some of the more important conversations that should be had before they decide to dedicate their lives to one another. I’m not talking about where they will live or with whose family they will spend the holidays. I’m talking about the stuff that has a serious impact on the rest of a couples’ life together.

For starters, do you both want children? If yes, great. If no, great. As long as you’re agreed. If you’re undecided, that’s fine too, as long as you’re both open to the other person’s influence. If, however, one of you is firmly opposed to having children, and the other has dreamed of having children their whole life, this is a core issue that must be resolved prior to engaging in a lifelong commitment. If you stay together, one of you will wind up giving up something that matters to them. It is entirely possible that either way, the person who relented will grow accustomed to the situation and be perfectly fine, even happy. It’s equally likely that they will instead become resentful, and harbor that resentment until it grows into contempt. If you make the decision to give up something that is important to you, or to take on something you never wanted, make sure you thoroughly understand your motives and that you are not engaging in quid pro quo (agreeing to do something for them in return for them doing something for you- this is also unhealthy.) How you will raise children is a big topic too, but that in itself is a whole blog.

Finances are another major topic. I worked in finance for five years before transitioning to therapy full-time, and I saw plenty of couples both in that job and this one who struggled with the language of money. Some people are great with money, some aren’t. Most couples are comprised of one of each type of person. Money is a tough subject, but it is something that must be discussed in any successful relationship. One of the keys to successful relationships is delegation. When combined with another one of the keys, communication, delegation of responsibilities within a couple based upon the individual strengths of each partner contributes to the success of that couple. Talk about money openly and admit when one of you is more responsible with it than the other. Do this before you’re married, not after. Establish good habits and patterns early and they will serve you well.

I think one of the reasons that society balks at people who get married so soon after meeting is that it is hard to believe that people who literally just met could have possibly had all of the important conversations that need to be had prior to legally binding themselves to one another. Maybe they have a point. On the other hand, I’ve seen couples who were together for years before they got married who still didn’t have those conversations, and couples who were together for mere weeks before they got married who did. I think it’s more about quality than quantity. You can spend years with someone and barely say a word that means anything at all, or days with someone and say thousands of words that mean the world. Moral of the story: make what you do say count.

 

 

 

What Your Communication Says About You

I’ve often heard the comment, “You train people how to treat you.” I never understood it until the last few years. If you find that people quit talking to you for reasons they never explained, don’t respond to your texts, or that you get frustrated with others easily, there might be a very good reason for that.

YOU might be doing something wrong.

There are a few things that have popped up in therapy lately that have stuck with me: people who complain a lot, those who take on others’ emotions, and people who talk negatively about others often. No one ever seems to realize that they’re doing it, until it’s too late.

You might not notice that you complain a lot, but think about it. What’s your world view? Is the glass half full or half empty? If, for example, your boss notices that you complain about your relationship, your friendships, family, landlord, vet, local grocery store, or whatever, s/he can be pretty sure that you complain about your work. Naturally, this produces a lack of trust and effects your work environment in a negative way.

In addition, there’s a difference between venting and complaining. Sometimes someone just needs to get something out of their system and that’s fine as long as it’s someone with whom they’re close. However, if the person is “venting” under the guise of looking for a solution but then gives you more reasons as to why your suggestions won’t work, that’s complaining. The other person becomes wary and tired of this and no longer wants to hear it. Often, people don’t pick up on that cue and end up losing a friend or potential partner.

People who take on others’ emotions are truly in trouble. Pretty much all day, every day, the average person is surrounded by what they perceive to be “stupid,” “frustrating,” “lacking awareness” etc. You are always going to be around people like this and the best thing you can do is be careful not to absorb it, engage in it, or become party to it. You never know what another person’s story is. They might be functioning the best they can. They might have completely different life experiences than you do. You can’t place the expectations and standards you have for yourself on others.

As for those who never have a nice thing to say about anyone, my mom had an old rule of thumb that I think makes a lot of sense:  “Don’t ever write or say anything about another person that you wouldn’t mind that person reading or saying.” Everyone has “that friend” that talks badly about everyone he or she knows. You can assume that person speaks badly of you. Again, that creates a lack of trust. My mom always had 2 other sayings that I try to live by: “Do unto others as you would have done to you” and “Think before you speak.” All in all, I have to say my mom was right.

Hope this helps!

What Your Communication Says About You

I’ve often heard the comment, “You train people how to treat you.” I never understood it until the last few years. If you find that people quit talking to you for reasons they never explained, don’t respond to your texts, or that you get frustrated with others easily, there might be a very good reason for that.

YOU might be doing something wrong.

There are a few things that have popped up in therapy lately that have stuck with me: people who complain a lot, those who take on others’ emotions, and people who talk negatively about others often. No one ever seems to realize that they’re doing it, until it’s too late.

You might not notice that you complain a lot, but think about it. What’s your world view? Is the glass half full or half empty? If, for example, your boss notices that you complain about your relationship, your friendships, family, landlord, vet, local grocery store, or whatever, s/he can be pretty sure that you complain about your work. Naturally, this produces a lack of trust and effects your work environment in a negative way.

In addition, there’s a difference between venting and complaining. Sometimes someone just needs to get something out of their system and that’s fine as long as it’s someone with whom they’re close. However, if the person is “venting” under the guise of looking for a solution but then gives you more reasons as to why your suggestions won’t work, that’s complaining. The other person becomes wary and tired of this and no longer wants to hear it. Often, people don’t pick up on that cue and end up losing a friend or potential partner.

People who take on others’ emotions are truly in trouble. Pretty much all day, every day, the average person is surrounded by what they perceive to be “stupid,” “frustrating,” “lacking awareness” etc. You are always going to be around people like this and the best thing you can do is be careful not to absorb it, engage in it, or become party to it. You never know what another person’s story is. They might be functioning the best they can. They might have completely different life experiences than you do. You can’t place the expectations and standards you have for yourself on others.

As for those who never have a nice thing to say about anyone, my mom had an old rule of thumb that I think makes a lot of sense:  “Don’t ever write or say anything about another person that you wouldn’t mind that person reading or saying.” Everyone has “that friend” that talks badly about everyone he or she knows. You can assume that person speaks badly of you. Again, that creates a lack of trust. My mom always had 2 other sayings that I try to live by: “Do unto others as you would have done to you” and “Think before you speak.” All in all, I have to say my mom was right.

Hope this helps!

Depression or Sadness?

At least a few times a week, I have clients who sit down on my couch and immediately say, “I’m soooooo depressed.” My first question is usually, “Why are you depressed?” My general rule is that if you can tell me specifically why you’re depressed, it isn’t depression. It’s sadness. Sadness is a normal emotion to have when something bad has happened. Your dog dies, your best friend moves away, you break up with your partner: these are events that cause sadness, and yes, if the feelings persist for a long time, it may develop into depression. But the difference is this: sadness is an effect, caused by an event. Depression doesn’t necessarily have a causing event; it can come out of nowhere and completely disable the person suffering from it. Sadness is an emotion; depression is a state of being.

Trying to describe depression to someone who hasn’t suffered from it is like trying to explain color to someone who has always been blind. How do you describe the color green if you can’t reference trees, grass, nature, your best friend’s eyes, etc.? You can’t. They have no reference point. For those who live with depression, explaining what it’s like to someone who has never felt it is impossible. But I’m going to try.

Imagine everything in your body hurts, like when you have the flu, but the pain isn’t physical, it’s psychological- but no less real. There is no medication that you can take to make the symptoms even the slightest bit less intense. You can’t predict when it will hit or for how long it will persist  and doing the simplest of tasks feels impossible. Imagine that in addition to the pain and discomfort you feel, your brain is telling you that it will never get better, that it will always be this way. It may even tell you that life isn’t worth living, that you should just end things now because that is the only release from this hell that is now your life. It could also tell you that you deserve this for one or countless wrongs you have done others in your life, and this incredible pain is your punishment for those wrongs.

I know what it’s like, because I’ve been there. Most therapists don’t admit their own struggles to their clients, but I’m going to let you in on a secret: the best therapists have had mental health issues, faced them, and speak from experience. We as therapists are no better than you, no smarter than you, and we’re certainly no less human than you.  Acknowledging and embracing that makes us better at what we do and makes it easier for our clients to trust us. We’ve learned how to conquer these things and when we can admit to our clients that we’ve suffered from them we can also share how we got past them- and that’s the whole point. If we can get past them, so can you. There is no cure for depression, but there are definitely ways of easing the pain and learning to function in spite of it.

 

The Rainbow Child: My Coming Out Story

I started volunteering at The Center when I was in my undergraduate program at UCF. I frequented local LGBTQ+ bars and clubs even before I had really come out. One of my first “real” dates with a girl was at Pulse. It was the first time I had ever danced at a club with another woman and not felt ogled and sexualized by straight men for just having fun. It was the first time I ever really felt safe as a bisexual woman in public, that night, years ago, dancing at Pulse.

I came out in stages, first to people I dated, then to friends, then slowly to some co-workers. But not to family. I love my family. They’re wonderful. But for the most part, they are much more conservative than I am, and while I have never really heard them say anything against the LGBTQ+ community, I was scared. My family is very close, my aunt and uncle are more like my second parents and my cousins are more like my siblings. The thought that I could lose them because of my sexuality, or that they would think less of me because of it terrified me, and I couldn’t handle it. So when I dated men, I brought them home and introduced them. When I dated women, I didn’t bring them home at all, or I introduced them as friends. Then I married a man, a wonderful man who knows and understands and supports me and is an advocate and an ally, and that was that.

When I started working for Two Spirit Health Services, Inc., no one in my family was really surprised; I had always been outspoken about my advocacy in the LGBTQ community and my work in the HIV+ community. They didn’t totally understand why my passion was so fierce in those areas, but they respected it and supported me. And then the Pulse massacre happened.

Never have I felt more ashamed of hiding my sexuality than I did that day. I never lied about it, but there were times that I didn’t correct people when they assumed I was straight, or when my mom referred to me as a “straight ally” that I let her. How could I sit in my office and encourage people to be themselves, not to hide, not to live in fear while doing that myself? I felt like a hypocrite. That day, when members of my community lost their lives or were horrifically injured because of that hateful act, I just couldn’t do it anymore. My mom had been texting me to check on me to see if I was okay because she knows how much this community matters to me, and to see if there was any way she could help. I just did it. I came out. She was wonderful, supportive and loving and it changed nothing; if anything, our relationship is better. I then came out on Facebook. Most people knew, but there were some who didn’t and the support was overwhelming. On Father’s Day, I came out to the rest of my family. Again, no one was really surprised and there were lots of hugs and affirmations, not a word of disgust or discontent.

The other night, I was talking with my mom and she referred to me as her “rainbow child.” I laughed, and she said she was serious. She said that the rainbow that had appeared over Lake Eola the night of the vigil one week after the shootings looked exactly like the one that had appeared over Orlando the day that I was born, and that she didn’t think that was a coincidence. She even told me to go look in my baby book, that she had written about that rainbow. She was right: there it was, a letter written more than thirty years ago by my mother, “The Lord gave me rainbows while we were waiting for you.”

Maybe I was always meant to do this. Maybe that rainbow was an announcement of some sort. Or maybe it was just a random rainbow in a city where it rains a lot. I don’t know, but that’s okay. Knowing that I serve a greater purpose, that I serve a community as united, strong and beautiful as ours warms my heart and gives me the strength I need to support those who need it through the days that have passed, and the days to come.

How to Get Unstuck: Changing Your Mindset

You’ve heard the terms: Negative Nancy. Debbie Downer. And you know the sayings: “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have none at all.” “If it can go wrong, it will.” None of us like being around this person, but what a lot of people don’t realize is that they are indeed this person.

Those used to be my mottos before I went to grad school and learned how, and why, to be more optimistic. A professor of mine taught us how to do “positive thinking,” in which you counter every 1 negative thought with 3 positive ones. It changed my life. I wrote a whole blog on that, if you would like more details about that practice, but here are some other tips I’ve picked up on along the way.

Think about the words you use and how it effects your actions and beliefs. Be aware of when you say “I can’t” do something. If you say that to yourself long enough, you’ll start to believe it. Also be conscious of when you say words like “always” and “never.” I heard this statement today from a transgender client: “People ‘always’ react badly when I come out to them.” I find that hard to believe since I know hundreds of trans people and they’ve had mostly good reactions. Another example is: “My husband ‘never’ takes out the trash.” Realize that what you’re saying is your husband has literally never taken out the trash a single day in his life.

Notice what you’re noticing. I heard about a seminar in which the speaker had everyone look around the room and look for how many brown things they see. Most noticed about 10. Then the audience was asked to close their eyes and make a list of how many red things they had seen. On average, people could only list 1-2 things whereas the speaker had purposely placed 15 red things in the room that were very noticeable.

You get what you’re looking for and you get what you expect. If you expect that your next date is going to suck, you’ll probably make sure that comes true. If you expect that a visit from your in-laws this weekend is going to go differently and everyone will have fun, you’ll feel more motivated to make that happen. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful – it’s all there. Your reality is no more than what you expect and notice about it.

I use the example of green traffic lights. No one ever notices them. But the red one, the one that stops us from getting where we need to go, is the one most of us focus on. I used to go through 7 traffic lights on the way to work and I made it a point to count the green ones and, most days, it was 4-5 out of 7. But I was looking for green lights and, sure enough, I found them. Hmmm. Go figure.

Hope this helps!

Trust in Relationships

As a couples’ counselor, trust is a topic that comes up daily in my world. Often, the subject of trust is brought up in response to a betrayal in the current relationship, and sometimes it’s an unresolved issue left over from a previous relationship. Regardless, trusting one’s partner is imperative to a healthy relationship.

When you’re in an intimate relationship with someone, in order for love to grow, trust has to grow as well. The trust that you have in the beginning of a relationship is different from the trust that you have after ten or twenty years. The relationship evolves and grows and so does the trust. In the beginning, trust is a choice: you choose to trust the other person because you want to build something with them. They haven’t done anything to show you that your trust is misplaced. But no one is perfect and it is inevitable that at some point, someone will do something that causes their partner to feel betrayed in some way. Sometimes it’s small betrayals over time, like a partner who often says they are going to do things but doesn’t follow through. Others, it’s one big event, like infidelity, that calls everything you believed to be true about your relationship into question. How can you possibly trust someone who has gone back on their word to such an extent?

Couples come to therapy because the efforts they’ve made to rebuild trust aren’t working, and they need help getting back on track. Zack Brittle, LMHC and Certified Gottman Therapist says that it’s very difficult to establish trust on a conditional basis. The best example of this that I can give you is one that I’ve seen over and over again: there is an affair. The betrayed partner chooses to forgive the other partner, but only on the condition that the partner who cheated makes their phone, email and social networking available to the betrayed partner for monitoring for the foreseeable future. Trust cannot possibly thrive in these circumstances.

The answer to how to rebuild trust is simple: you do it all day every day in every action that promotes connection and understanding in your relationship. According to John Gottman, trust is built in small incremental moments over time. It really boils down to whether or not you believe your partner is there for you, and vice versa. Choosing to give them your attention when it’s clear they need it, acting in the best interest of your partner rather than choosing self-interest, putting their bad day ahead of your own, etc. Gottman calls this “turning toward,” and says that trust is an action, not an idea or belief. We trust our partners because of what they do, not what they say, thus enforcing the idea, “Actions speak louder than words.” When you sacrifice your wants or needs to focus on theirs, you promote trust and they in turn can do the same.